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It is that time of year again where armchair fashionistas everywhere put on their best tiaras and tune into the Superbowl of red carpet events…The Oscarʼs.  Among the “fashion fumbles” detected on the Red Carpet Sunday night, by international fashion stylist Ruth Levy, were Meryl Streepʼs unusual golden get-up, Viola Davis’ sqwoobs (squished boobs) and Emma Stone’s suicide strangling by satin bow.

The theme of this year’s Oscar fashions seemed to be ‘White Wedding’. In fact, eight out of the ten celebs below looked like they’d been plucked straight from a wedding chapel.  Whether they resembled the bride, bridesmaid or mother of the bride, some where white hot, while some were definitely not…

According to the twins, “It was no honeymoon for Rooney Mara with her ‘flying nun’ inspired bodice.  This dress gave wings to her breasts and apparently they flew away.  The neckline plunged so deeply, if she’d had more real estate on top this would have been an F.C.C. television fine waiting to happen.”

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“Milla Jovovich, was radiant for her virgin voyage down the Academy Awards presenter’s aisle.  From head to toe she was a vision in white.”

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“Meryl Streep looked like she was with the band in her voluminous, Liberace-inspired gold gown.  Apparently she wasn’t aware that it’s the Oscar statuette who should have a metallic finish – not the nominee.”

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“Guiliana Rancic won’t be arrested by the Fashion Police for this great gown.  She did Joan Rivers proud.  The proportions of this dress are perfect.  From the flattering depth of the neckline to the flare of her skirt – which should always start above the knee, she exemplified true Hollywood style.”

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“Shailene Woodley looks like a Mayflower mail-order bride.  Guess she had plenty of time on the boat ride over to add the finishing crochet touches to her frock.  All that’s missing for this Pilgrim is a pair of black boots with square gold buckles.”

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“Octavia Spencer was the belle of the ball in her white beaded gown. We love Octavia because she proves what we always tell our clients – you don’t have to be model thin to dress beautifully, you just need to know what works for you and your proportions.”

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“Kristin Wiig… always a bridesmaid, never a bride.  Her drab dress is the color of New York snow and resembles a used Swiffer.”  It looks like a Project Runway mishap.  In fact, if you listen hard, you can hear Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn screaming as they run from the room.”

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“In a perfect world we would have loved some beautiful Harry Winston’s dangling from Gweneth Paltrow’s ears, but otherwise she looked elegant and statuesque in her Tom Ford creation.”

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“Viola Davis should have won Best Supported Actress with this neckline. Looking at her dress we felt like we were having a staring contest with her ‘girlfriends’.   Remember, the first thing a well designed dress should showcases is you – and not just your cleavage. In any case, thank goodness for double-sided tape.”

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“And of course no wedding is complete without a crazy cousin, played here by Kelly Osbourne with her pink hair and lips.  It’s sure to ruin the family photos.”

That’s all for this year’s Oscar Review!  If you’re planning a wedding, you now know what to wear and hopefully what to do with that crazy cousin (photoshop).

xoxo, Ruth

www.TheFashionCode.com

In honor of wedding season we’re re-posting our popular “Skinny B@tch’s Quest for The Perfect Wedding Dress”.  Skinny B@tch may be a  figment of our imagination, but every single one of these dresses is REAL… believe it or not!  Most of them are straight off designer runways and cost a small fortune, but we can’t imagine who would wear them.  Can you?

xo, Ruth

Hi Everyone!  It’s me…your favorite model and roving fashion reporter… Skinny B@tch.  Can you believe it?!- My boyfriend Calvin, (who I took a snapshot of below) finally popped the question!!

Now its time to start looking for the dress…

So many of my model friends have found the perfect wedding gown to match their personality- I sure hope I can do the same. In fact I’ve put together a scrapbook of all their dresses to help me get some ideas of my own ….

-Here’s my best friend Beth who has an incurable sweet-tooth. We were really worried she would never find the right dress, but when she finally fired her dressmaker and hired the cake decorator everything just fell into place…

.. Of course she did make a huge mess coming down the aisle ….
but she sure had the groom eating out of her hand at the alter.

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-Calvin’s cousin Shawn is all business, so she looked stunning in this gown….

It was a beautiful ceremony too – after the confusion died down as to who the groom was…..

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-At Celine’s wedding, some people were worried that she had gotten a big head due to her modeling career,

but I think she really just needed a lot of support from those around her….

It was so cute too, watching the groom figure out how to get the ring on her finger.

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-Tina got married in Antarctica. She was truly a vision in white…

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As were her bridesmaids…

…I didn’t know the Abominable Snow Man had started designing wedding gowns, but we all thought he had a lot of promise….

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I’ve been to weddings around the world….

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From Asia…

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…to Africa

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to Scotland….

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… and even to planet Remulak …

Yeah, can you believe it? Little Connie Conehead is all grown up and married!

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Sure, I know that some people feel that super models live life in a fashion bubble…

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But we’re really like any other gal who feels like she’s walking a tight rope when it comes to planning the perfect wedding…..

I mean, you’ve got to be strong, flexible, and ready to change your direction in a single moment……

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Its enough to make any girl feel like a human slinky!

Planning a wedding is a tough job, but someone’s got to do it. Just think what we’d be wearing if we left it to our men…

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…they’d probably switch the flower girls attire with the bride’s….

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and confuse the cake with the veil…

Yes, this is definitely a job for the girls…

Anyways, I hope you liked my scrapbook. Now I am headed off to Europe for a photo shoot- and of course to scour the continent for more fabulous dresses and veils which I will share with you the moment I get back….

Wish me luck!

xoxoxox,

Skinny B.